Rough Week

I haven't blogged.

No surprise there. I have a tendency to isolate and hide when things are not going well. I have this need to appear as if all is well, and when it's not, I hide and hope no one notices.  I realized that I am only as sick as my secrets and if I'm ever going to beat this food addiction, and the need to destroy myself/self-sabotage, I need to get honest.

I've been on a week long bender with the food and my binge eating. I haven't been able to look at myself long enough to really figure out why I've been actively indulging in some old, sick behaviors but I have a few ideas. I've been sneaking binges, secretly ordering food, manipulating Big D into bringing (binge) food home, hiding food, lying, manipulating, etc. It's been rough and it's lasted 7 days. My body is killing me, I'm physically sick and I've avoided the scale this past Friday in order to continue with my denial and addiction.

I think part of the reason for my relapse/bender is that I'm having an extremely difficult time in weaning off this medication. It's causing depression, apathy, severe anxiety, mood swings, paranoia, migraines, optical migraines (where I'm losing my vision or it becomes severely impaired), nerve pain throughout my body, fatigue and I'm sick of it. I've been going through this bullshit since May and I never thought it would take this long or be this hard. I feel very compromised and very 'less than'. I hate how it's affecting my life and my relationship.

Last Saturday Big D and I had tickets to go see a Broadway show and we had been looking forward to it for a month. My anxiety and physical challenges (as stated above) got the better of me and completely ruined the day and evening. The end result and the worst of it was a panic attack in the theater. In order to punish myself (instead of having compassion and understanding), I binged afterwards, and I've done so every day since then. I can't remember when the last time I've relapsed so hard with the food addiction. I've had consistent episodes of a day or so of  binging but nothing this extended or as intense.

I'm trying hard not to beat the shit out of myself.  I want to look at it, accept it, learn from it and move on. That's part of the reason I'm writing about it here. This has been a very rough relapse into old behaviors. I haven't been this out of control in about 3 years and I'd like to start my healing, my journey, the end of this type of insanity. In order to do all that, I need to be honest and honestly, I've been a mess this last week and I'm tired of hiding in the guilt and the shame of food addiction.

Time to come out of the shadows and face myself.

Been a while.....

I want to blog . I want to journal my success and learn from my my mistakes (and on this journey there have been a few). I want to find out what's working and maybe get input or inspiration for what's not.

Really. I do.

I'm just going through a very difficult time with some health challenges. It's all good, no doom and gloom, but it's different and as a result I am different. And...............oh let me just get to the point already.

I've been taking this medication for almost 9 years now and I want off. I want my body to be the clean, chemical free, health machine I know it can be. So, I've been weaning off my last medication. Unfortunately because it effects my entire central nervous system and I've been on it so long, I have to do that slowly and every time I come off 10% of it, my CNS goes batshit crazy and I get sick....neurologically and cognitively  sick and I can't write (drive, read, have a conversation, understand simple tasks or concepts, etc.).

Every week-10 days I feel like I took a stupid pill for about 5-6 days until I feel well enough to do it all over again and I've been cycling  like this since June. It's annoying and it gets in the way of my living my life. I'm grateful I don't have to work at this time but I'm getting bored with being sick all the friggin time.

This is why I haven't updated in a month or so. Maybe these last few weeks/months of my detox weren't the best time to start a blog...but here we are.

Anyhoo....things are well. I lost 3lbs last week, my eating is back on track, I started some new exercise and I haven't binged or lost my shit around food in about 2 weeks.

Go me!

Weigh in is tomorrow so maybe I'll be able to blog something this weekend. I have at least 2 more days before  my brain turns into a pumpkin (again).