Saturday, February 5, 2011

Rough Week

I haven't blogged.

No surprise there. I have a tendency to isolate and hide when things are not going well. I have this need to appear as if all is well, and when it's not, I hide and hope no one notices.  I realized that I am only as sick as my secrets and if I'm ever going to beat this food addiction, and the need to destroy myself/self-sabotage, I need to get honest.

I've been on a week long bender with the food and my binge eating. I haven't been able to look at myself long enough to really figure out why I've been actively indulging in some old, sick behaviors but I have a few ideas. I've been sneaking binges, secretly ordering food, manipulating Big D into bringing (binge) food home, hiding food, lying, manipulating, etc. It's been rough and it's lasted 7 days. My body is killing me, I'm physically sick and I've avoided the scale this past Friday in order to continue with my denial and addiction.

I think part of the reason for my relapse/bender is that I'm having an extremely difficult time in weaning off this medication. It's causing depression, apathy, severe anxiety, mood swings, paranoia, migraines, optical migraines (where I'm losing my vision or it becomes severely impaired), nerve pain throughout my body, fatigue and I'm sick of it. I've been going through this bullshit since May and I never thought it would take this long or be this hard. I feel very compromised and very 'less than'. I hate how it's affecting my life and my relationship.

Last Saturday Big D and I had tickets to go see a Broadway show and we had been looking forward to it for a month. My anxiety and physical challenges (as stated above) got the better of me and completely ruined the day and evening. The end result and the worst of it was a panic attack in the theater. In order to punish myself (instead of having compassion and understanding), I binged afterwards, and I've done so every day since then. I can't remember when the last time I've relapsed so hard with the food addiction. I've had consistent episodes of a day or so of  binging but nothing this extended or as intense.

I'm trying hard not to beat the shit out of myself.  I want to look at it, accept it, learn from it and move on. That's part of the reason I'm writing about it here. This has been a very rough relapse into old behaviors. I haven't been this out of control in about 3 years and I'd like to start my healing, my journey, the end of this type of insanity. In order to do all that, I need to be honest and honestly, I've been a mess this last week and I'm tired of hiding in the guilt and the shame of food addiction.

Time to come out of the shadows and face myself.

1 comment:

  1. Hey I just now got your comment, and I just now finished the binge blog! ha!

    ReplyDelete